This Is What He Felt
by Lerana
Summary: Takes place after the end of BBC Merlin. Guinevere has a request for her husband's servant and best friend - something that only he can do. One-shot.


_Title: This Is What He Felt (one-shot)_  
_Author: Lerana_  
_Series: BBC Merlin_  
_Setting: Post-Series_  
_Rating: K_  
_Note: This is my first time posting on this site :) though I've been writing for a long time. Please let me know what you think, I would love any comments or constructive criticism! Happy reading :) _

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Merlin slowly began to drift into the shadows. "Merlin?" Guinevere called.

The warlock paused, and turned to look at the newly widowed queen. "My lady?"

"Oh, don't," she replied. "I'm still Gwen."

Merlin nodded.

"Can I – can I speak to you?"

"I was just about to leave-"

"Please," the queen cut him off. "Just for a moment."

Again Merlin nodded, and Guinevere led him out of the chamber full of all the knights and citizens that had arrived for the reveal that their king had been slain in battle.

Her king.

Her love.

Her Arthur.

Gwen pushed away tears once again and replaced her mask that she had assumed in front of the people. Merlin followed her into her and Arthur's bedroom.

That's how it would always be. Hers and Arthur's.

Gwen tried and barely succeeded in keeping her emotions in check. Merlin closed the door behind them. Gwen faced the window for a moment before facing her husband's most faithful servant and best friend.

"I have to ask you something," she said plainly. "And I know you won't want to answer me, but I need to know."

"What is it?" Merlin asked.

"Arthur." They both flinched slightly at the sound of his name. "Were… were you with him?" Her words and body shook.

Merlin understood. "Yes."

"Did… was he… did you hold him?" Gwen placed one hand on her lower back and the other on her stomach.

It was a while before Merlin could respond. "Yes."

Gwen looked down, feeling the astonishing pain rise within her. "I need you to do something for me." She looked up. "Show me how?"

Merlin, also holding his face carefully blank, cocked his head to the side.

"How did you hold him when he died?"

Merlin brought a hand up to cover his mouth.

"I know, Merlin. I know. I just – this feeling – I can't-" Gwen's tears were sitting on the rims of her eyes.

"Gwen." Guinevere looked at the man that had loved Arthur just as much as she did. Loved him as a friend – the way that she never could. He seemed so alone now.

Merlin took Gwen's hand and led her over by the window. He guided her into a sitting position, and fit himself right behind her. Then, he turned her to the right and pulled her head back to rest on his shoulder, and wrapped his arms around her.

"Just like this. This is what he felt."

Gwen's heart shattered. She suddenly felt all the pain she had felt over the years. What it felt like to lose her father and brother, Morgana's betrayal, almost losing Arthur, and now, having actually lost him, she had reached her breaking point. She had kept her composure for the kingdom, but now it was only Merlin. Merlin was a friend and a piece of Arthur still survived in him, no matter how he portrayed it.

Gwen wept for the first time since hearing of her loving husband's death. Her sobs only grew more violent when Merlin began to slowly rock her back and forth. She didn't know, but he was beginning to shed forbidden tears right along with her.

It had only been a few hours, but she missed him with a pain so fierce that she felt only half of her heart still beating. Arthur would never forgive her if she allowed his people to suffer under her rule, so she resolved that she would do everything in her power to protect Camelot, and protect all of the people. She had to keep going.

Gwen knew this. For now, however, she allowed herself to purely and simply grieve for the one person that she felt she wouldn't be able to live without.

Merlin held her long into the night, never speaking another word. 

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_Fin._

_Thank you for reading! Let me know if you liked it or not ^^ until next time!_


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